Will DAn’s ZEaLous pursuit of a functional iphone home button be fruitfuL? Why is Tiger at Zoo Camp? (And who rodE the blue train there?) Can Arrow Keep control if he is not the bAby? Who was comfoRtablE, relaxed and in No hurry? By the way: why was Melika visiting acupuncture clinics, chirOpractoRs offices and mediatioN studios? How did massage do the trick? (And what was that trick?) Where there any exciting arrivals in Santa Barbara last week? Hint: Think Pink.

Why can a Santa Barbara project manager claim credit for ending the California drought? Hint: the desalination plant is about to come on-line. How will the local citizenry respond when green appears in the landscape? (What about wildflowers?) Why is the exact distance between Mitra’s home in Los Angeles and our home in Santa Barbara so very important? What drove Stefan to scale the challenging ravine next to our driveway? Can a 2 year old sum up soccer in a single sentence? And, what would Benjamin Franklin say?

Did Melika’s obstetrician formerly handle scheduling for United Airlines? Why does Dan believe that the TSA outsourced work to Malaysia? Who recused The Martin Family troll (and cabbage patch) collection? Did you know that Mark Twain was the first person to write a book on a typewriter? (Or, if you’re younger, do you know what a typewriter is.. eh, was?) Why does Dan believe that his typewriter’s age is Jurassic?

What are the risks associated with living so close to the Santa Barbara Mission? Is it easier to eject a flustered Blue Jay or an enthusiastic Saint from The Martin Family kitchen? How would you deal with a ‘candy’ made from chickpeas? How might your approach change if the ‘candy’ is your wife’s favorite?

Who wants to divide the contents of a half-full glass by taking the bottom half? Why are American elevators so tricky? How many pharmacy visits does it take to fill a single prescription? (Hint: It’s an inept pharmacy attempting to fill a prescription that should be paid for by an insurance bureaucracy with the flexibility of a granite telephone pole.) And, why is this week’s letter full of photos of Darius?

What did your mother say about putting things in your ear? (And, is a Q-Tip smaller than your elbow?) How would The Weekly Letter rate if they judged like figure skating: technical score and grade of execution? Would Shakespeare trump J.K. Rowling? What do Dan’s Blood Pressure and IQ have in common?



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Can Dan successfully deploy a universal remote to replace 4 remote control devices for the ‘smart’ TV? Okay, that was too easy: can Dan, with Darius’ help, arrange a successful deployment? Why is US internet/cable TV service expensive and lower quality? (Note: This question is distinct from subjective observations about the quality of the TV programs themselves.) How will Martin Family intervention fix the California draught?

Is it necessary to buy organic sneakers in California? (sneakers = trainers in the UK; sneakers = gympies in The Netherlands; sneakers = tennis shoes in 1954) Why does a New Jersey childhood trauma involving the state university of New Jersey and Japanese invaders still haunt Dan? Where do you find spices and bananas?

What is an Art-Car? (It’s not the 1952 Studebaker, with the hole in the floor, that I owned in High School.) Who would invent a festival sized for 68,000 participants without selling tee-shirts? Why has Dan’s doctor prescribed hemlock and banned grapes? Switzerland was expensive, but what is even more expensive (and much less fun) in California? How was Darius’ mini-holiday in Cyprus?

Will Charm trump Principle? Can Dan find a way to get a speeding ticket while driving a car with less horsepower than a flea circus? Is there any need to go to Italy when you’ve seen the ‘Venice of France’? Can anybody read French road signs? Which designer has the gravitational clout to pull Nazy past the (sales) event horizon?

How can you hide the mayonnaise jar full of spare change from the tax authorities? Who is smarter (and more erudite)? Dan or his Nokia 920 “smart” phone? Does Nazy own a pair of walking shoes? Can Nazy, fresh from her success in finding the hidden closet, find an extra bedroom in Dan’s flat? And why do government regulations close the door after the horse has escaped?

Dan meets Whit Monday with witless weary wonderment. Who authorized snow in Geneva - in May? Will Dan’s multilingual skills save him at a Persian Restaurant? And what did Dan’s psychologist - Dr. Google - recommend?

When it comes to eyeglasses: Is the postal service option (mail and wait) more economical than the “I want it now” alternative? Are you right-brained or left-brained? How far would you go to equalize the sides? Is an ant colony Simpsonly is an earthly example of The Borg? (And was that a spelling error in the previous sentence?)

Can Dan teach Math to a drug store manager? Can the drug store manager explain the difference between a ‘buy 1, get 1 free’ and a ‘two for one’ sale? More importantly, what should be done if there is only one (1) item? Will the crows capture the New Year goldfish? Is an ugly address label with a ZIP-code better than a beautiful (fancy-dancy)address label that is sans-ZIP?

Is it reasonable to expect that all the shelves of a built-in bookcase will be the same length? What forms should be filled for the background check necessary to purchase a bayonet-mount, eh, light bulb? Is it necessary, in order to be environmentally friendly in California, to be able to read from the light of a carrot? What’s the backup plan if American lightbulbs don’t fit your European fixture?

Can Dan successfully recycle dirt? (In Switzerland?) And why does he want to? (Need to?) Will Kate, the aggressive (some say ‘savage&rsquo angelfish prevent family relocation? Who let the movers pack Dan’s favorite cowboy boots? Why did Dan and Nazy move so quickly? And, in a cliff hanger: how successful was the intervention by the taxation authority?

Would you be comfortable with a 6:15AM taxi to catch a 7:10AM international flight - in Lebanon? Who could make that work? Have you ever fallen in love with a dining room table? (Or fallen ‘in hate’?) Is there a boat big enough to carry Nazy’s clothes to America?

What did Napoleon want to do with the Pyramids? Can an Egyptian artisan reproduce the ‘real, pure’ essence of Nazy’s Hermes perfume with locally marinated herbs? Is the Cairo Bazaar Grand? And, would you rather go on a boat trip down the Nile or bargain with the locals in a nearby (upscale) mall?

When Darius said ‘gas is expensive’ did he really mean that petrol costs $21 a liter in Lebanon? How did the Pharaohs reverse the standard flow of time from past to present? (Why would they do it?) Would you rather have a 5000 year old Egyptian obelisk or a 200 year old French clock?

The city was 9000 years old - Phoenician, Assyrian, Persian, Roman, Crusader, Byzantine and more - so should you conclude that the best time to visit was 2000 years ago? Would you go there in the rain? How many different kinds of honey are available in the Souq in Sidon? Where are ancient ruins in better shape than modern ruins?

Does anyone wear a hijab on Hamra Street in Beirut? Who would shoot a film that is set in Los Angeles on the streets of Teheran? (And why?) Is civilization possible in a country without Coke Zero? If you heard a loud boom in Beirut would you think ‘thunder’ or ...

Does Dan have time to solve the Riemann hypothesis and find the Higgs boson? Are fiddlehead ferns in the soggy moor an aphrodisiac for the local frogs? Is it possible that Nazy’s pants are more colorful than Dans? Have you bought Amazon best seller: Stumbling Through the Tulips?

Will Dan’s book (Stumbling Through the Tulips) make the best seller list? Why is the Sahara the secret to spectacular sunsets? Is it possible for their to be a factual error on the Internet? How does narrative integrity impact newsworthy objectivity?

Will Dan’s cleverly diversified retirement plan provide perennial prosperity? How does the US government make it impossible for citizens to work abroad? Do you admire swooning swans reflected on a languid lake?

Darius and Melika arrived in Zurich on the same day. Was it a miracle? Was it a cheap parlor trick? Are you ready to see the sights of Moutier, Switzerland? What does Dan have in common with Ibsen¹s The Master Builder? 

A report on the comings and goings of The Martin Family through the years in the (much anticipated) annual holiday letter. The Family photo from the previous Christmas is included. A special photo exhibition is also available (see end of posting),