Universal apples Remotely control stylish pregnant weather
As regular readers know, Darius has been visiting us in California for the past month. While he was in town, I planned to rely on his ability to supplement my undoubted technical skills...
“Undoubted skills?” Nazy asked. “You planned to get Darius to fix things you don’t understand.”
“I planned to work collaboratively - with Darius - to optimize The Martin Family’s use of technology.”
The problems, eh, the challenges, were easily defined. WiFi service was problematic in some parts of the house. Naturally, I realized that a simple range extender would fix that issue. Darius, an economist, ignored the technical issue because he was outraged at the prices of our internet and cable TV provider (Cox).
“I realize that it is an astonishingly high price for an embarrassingly mediocre service,” I began.
“You need a different provider,” Darius interjected. “I will call Cox and complain.”
“You are so naive,” I thought. “Good luck,” I said. I also listened in during the service call:
“... And aren’t you ashamed to be working for a corrupt, overpriced monopoly?” Darius slammed the phone down. (Veracity check: Thankfully, since it was my mobile phone, Darius didn’t really slam it down. In fact, he aggressively touched the ‘End Call’ portion of the screen.) “He wasn’t ashamed Dad. Cox owns the cable. If you want cable in your area, you need to use Cox. It is a monopoly. The only internet/TV option is satellite, but ..”
I can now add Internet services to the list of items (e.g. healthcare, college education) more expensive here than in Europe. In Switzerland, any provider (Swisscom, Orange, Sunrise, etc.) could use the cable or fiber into the residence. In America, the provider owns the cable, so there is no choice. The USA is far behind Europe in many free market areas: The US taxi market is regulated, many in Europe are free, the US postal service is government owned, most in Europe are privatized, the US telecoms/cable services are provided by a comfy crony oligarchy, in Europe they’re in fierce competition. But I digress.
Before Darius arrived, I bought a range extender from Netgear. (It didn’t work with an Apple Wifi network.) Nazy, certain that I’d installed in incorrectly, actually engaged a computer expert who confirmed the idiosyncratic nature of Apple networks. (Translation: I was right.) While Darius worked on his technical paper, I installed an Apple range-extender --
“Which works! Just like I said it would.” I quietly and enthusiastically shouted to Nazy - who replied encouragingly: (“For how long?&rdquo
Then I turned to Darius.
“The plan, Dar, is to replace 4 remotes with a single universal device.”
“Sounds simple enough,” Darius replied. Confidently ill-informed.
We bought an ‘easily programmable’ universal remote at the local Best Buy. Working alone, I was able to program the device so that we could watch TV, change channels and adjust the sound with one simple hand-held controller. Darius scoffed at the amount of time it took me to achieve this (remarkable) milestone. He accepted the challenge of integrating an Apple TV so that we could see our photos while listening to music form our iTune library. He was ‘successful’:
“... just push this button,” he explained, after an inordinate amount of effort.
A flurry of electronic activity began: The TV turned on. The cable box turned on. The soundbar turned on - at high volume. The TV turned off. The Apple TV turned on. The TV turned on. The cable box turned off. The Apple TV turned off. The Apple TV turned on. The soundbar turned off. The TV turned off. The TV turned on.
“How were you able to program that thing to imitate an ambidextrous Parkinson’s patient who attempts to use remotes while doing flips on a trampoline?” I asked. Reasonably.
“Don’t worry, Dad. They system will stabilize.”
“It’s stable, Dar,” I noted - after a long wait. “But the Apple TV is not working.”
“Now just press the ‘help’ button. Answer “No” to all the questions. It will eventually work.”
“Can you convert ‘eventually’ into units of time?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like: eventually = decades. Or eventually = geological eras. Or..”
“Look Dad. I know the universal remote is about as helpful as ...”
“ ... a sea urchin in a balloon-blowing contest.”
“ ... but there is good news.”
“Really?”
“Now we know how all these other remotes work. We don’t need a universal remote.”
“Darius is right!” I thought.
“It’s going to be so much easier with one remote,” Nazy interrupted.
“Explain our results to your Mom,” I said to Darius.
“But Dad.” Darius replied - discovering a need to begin packing for his return trip to Beirut.
“Well?” Nazy looked at me. I agreed to document the process.
I labeled each remote. I’ve already finished volume one of the instructions. This weekend, I’ll conduct a four hour introductory bootcamp to be followed by a full week of practical experimentation and review.
Melika continues to
“ be pregnant, Dan?” Nazy asks.
“Well, yes. But Stylishly pregnant.”
(Note the boots, the bump and the ice cream.)
“Undoubted skills?” Nazy asked. “You planned to get Darius to fix things you don’t understand.”
“I planned to work collaboratively - with Darius - to optimize The Martin Family’s use of technology.”
The problems, eh, the challenges, were easily defined. WiFi service was problematic in some parts of the house. Naturally, I realized that a simple range extender would fix that issue. Darius, an economist, ignored the technical issue because he was outraged at the prices of our internet and cable TV provider (Cox).
“I realize that it is an astonishingly high price for an embarrassingly mediocre service,” I began.
“You need a different provider,” Darius interjected. “I will call Cox and complain.”
“You are so naive,” I thought. “Good luck,” I said. I also listened in during the service call:
“... And aren’t you ashamed to be working for a corrupt, overpriced monopoly?” Darius slammed the phone down. (Veracity check: Thankfully, since it was my mobile phone, Darius didn’t really slam it down. In fact, he aggressively touched the ‘End Call’ portion of the screen.) “He wasn’t ashamed Dad. Cox owns the cable. If you want cable in your area, you need to use Cox. It is a monopoly. The only internet/TV option is satellite, but ..”
I can now add Internet services to the list of items (e.g. healthcare, college education) more expensive here than in Europe. In Switzerland, any provider (Swisscom, Orange, Sunrise, etc.) could use the cable or fiber into the residence. In America, the provider owns the cable, so there is no choice. The USA is far behind Europe in many free market areas: The US taxi market is regulated, many in Europe are free, the US postal service is government owned, most in Europe are privatized, the US telecoms/cable services are provided by a comfy crony oligarchy, in Europe they’re in fierce competition. But I digress.
Before Darius arrived, I bought a range extender from Netgear. (It didn’t work with an Apple Wifi network.) Nazy, certain that I’d installed in incorrectly, actually engaged a computer expert who confirmed the idiosyncratic nature of Apple networks. (Translation: I was right.) While Darius worked on his technical paper, I installed an Apple range-extender --
“Which works! Just like I said it would.” I quietly and enthusiastically shouted to Nazy - who replied encouragingly: (“For how long?&rdquo
Then I turned to Darius.“The plan, Dar, is to replace 4 remotes with a single universal device.”
“Sounds simple enough,” Darius replied. Confidently ill-informed.
We bought an ‘easily programmable’ universal remote at the local Best Buy. Working alone, I was able to program the device so that we could watch TV, change channels and adjust the sound with one simple hand-held controller. Darius scoffed at the amount of time it took me to achieve this (remarkable) milestone. He accepted the challenge of integrating an Apple TV so that we could see our photos while listening to music form our iTune library. He was ‘successful’:
“... just push this button,” he explained, after an inordinate amount of effort.
A flurry of electronic activity began: The TV turned on. The cable box turned on. The soundbar turned on - at high volume. The TV turned off. The Apple TV turned on. The TV turned on. The cable box turned off. The Apple TV turned off. The Apple TV turned on. The soundbar turned off. The TV turned off. The TV turned on.
“How were you able to program that thing to imitate an ambidextrous Parkinson’s patient who attempts to use remotes while doing flips on a trampoline?” I asked. Reasonably.
“Don’t worry, Dad. They system will stabilize.”
“It’s stable, Dar,” I noted - after a long wait. “But the Apple TV is not working.”
“Now just press the ‘help’ button. Answer “No” to all the questions. It will eventually work.”
“Can you convert ‘eventually’ into units of time?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like: eventually = decades. Or eventually = geological eras. Or..”
“Look Dad. I know the universal remote is about as helpful as ...”
“ ... a sea urchin in a balloon-blowing contest.”
“ ... but there is good news.”
“Really?”
“Now we know how all these other remotes work. We don’t need a universal remote.”
“Darius is right!” I thought.
“It’s going to be so much easier with one remote,” Nazy interrupted.
“Explain our results to your Mom,” I said to Darius.
“But Dad.” Darius replied - discovering a need to begin packing for his return trip to Beirut.
“Well?” Nazy looked at me. I agreed to document the process.
I labeled each remote. I’ve already finished volume one of the instructions. This weekend, I’ll conduct a four hour introductory bootcamp to be followed by a full week of practical experimentation and review.
Melika continues to
“ be pregnant, Dan?” Nazy asks.
“Well, yes. But Stylishly pregnant.”
(Note the boots, the bump and the ice cream.)
As I have explained many times, there is no weather in California. There are also no seasons and, for several years, no rain. The state is in the midst of a draught emergency. Governor Brown decided that drastic measures were required; accordingly, his people contacted me. Aware of the calibre of catastrophe facing my state, I agreed to help. I called my sister Marjorie.
“So, I think it would be a great time for you to visit us in Santa Barbara.” I concluded. “We need bad weather,” I thought.
I called the Governor.
“.. don’t worry,” I began. “Marjorie is on the way; I’m sure the draught will end.”
I am happy to report that I saw 14 (maybe 15) raindrops on the patio the day after Marjorie arrived. We expect more and better soon.
Nazy and Darius
Ventura Sunset
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