Did Melika’s obstetrician formerly handle scheduling for United Airlines? Why does Dan believe that the TSA outsourced work to Malaysia? Who recused The Martin Family troll (and cabbage patch) collection? Did you know that Mark Twain was the first person to write a book on a typewriter? (Or, if you’re younger, do you know what a typewriter is.. eh, was?) Why does Dan believe that his typewriter’s age is Jurassic?

What are the risks associated with living so close to the Santa Barbara Mission? Is it easier to eject a flustered Blue Jay or an enthusiastic Saint from The Martin Family kitchen? How would you deal with a ‘candy’ made from chickpeas? How might your approach change if the ‘candy’ is your wife’s favorite?

Do you know the definition of a ‘Tom Swifty’? If not, can Dan fill the vacuum succinctly? Are you ready for Persian New Year and the beginning of Spring? (9:57AM, Thursday, March 20, 2014 California Time.) How do you count fearlessly in German? And how many cavities did Dan’s crestfallen dentist discover?

What did your mother say about putting things in your ear? (And, is a Q-Tip smaller than your elbow?) How would The Weekly Letter rate if they judged like figure skating: technical score and grade of execution? Would Shakespeare trump J.K. Rowling? What do Dan’s Blood Pressure and IQ have in common?



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Can Dan successfully deploy a universal remote to replace 4 remote control devices for the ‘smart’ TV? Okay, that was too easy: can Dan, with Darius’ help, arrange a successful deployment? Why is US internet/cable TV service expensive and lower quality? (Note: This question is distinct from subjective observations about the quality of the TV programs themselves.) How will Martin Family intervention fix the California draught?

Do adult offspring ever listen to even more adult parents? Do you want them to listen? (Do diapers have anything to do with subject?) Can an itinerant poet cope with weird atmospherics and Dan’s repartee? Where do they create orange Mount Rushmore’s? And waffles make an appearance.

Is it necessary to buy organic sneakers in California? (sneakers = trainers in the UK; sneakers = gympies in The Netherlands; sneakers = tennis shoes in 1954) Why does a New Jersey childhood trauma involving the state university of New Jersey and Japanese invaders still haunt Dan? Where do you find spices and bananas?

What is an Art-Car? (It’s not the 1952 Studebaker, with the hole in the floor, that I owned in High School.) Who would invent a festival sized for 68,000 participants without selling tee-shirts? Why has Dan’s doctor prescribed hemlock and banned grapes? Switzerland was expensive, but what is even more expensive (and much less fun) in California? How was Darius’ mini-holiday in Cyprus?

Would you defy an authoritarian mandate to slack the thirst of a parched stranger? What if the stranger was your lawn? (And the authority was the city water commission?) Can Dan find a way to complain about the weather in Santa Barbara? Who decided to live in Houston? And why is Dan wearing a beret and speaking with a forked tongue? (Or was that wearing a cowboy hat and speaking with a European accent?)

Are Dan and Nazy ready for the sophisticated humor of Monty Python? (In an outdoor theatre?) Can Madame Ganna drive her Lotus in Montecito, California? How do Kate (the Princess plant) and Jeff (the Germanium) react to fertilizer and water? (And what if it’s too much of both?) Is there an airline that doesn’t require cabin staff to have known the Wright brothers personally? How was Dan (boarding group 5) able to be the first person on the airplane?

Can an airline consistently deliver on it’s core competence (lengthy, slow moving queues) consistently and globally? The answer, of course, is “Yes” - provided Dan is ‘flying’. Will a 15 Franc lunch voucher buy a lunch? Will Dan’s trip to California enter recorded history alongside Shackleton and Antarctica, Custer and Little Big Horn, Charles and Diana, Nuclear Power and Tsunami?

Did Dan foil a mugger in Geneva? (Or was Dan outsmarted by a trickster in Geneva?) Why are robberies in Europe so civilized? Which city is safer: Geneva? Beirut? Dan and Darius debate the subject. Is it possible to go wrong with a SmartCard?

Will Charm trump Principle? Can Dan find a way to get a speeding ticket while driving a car with less horsepower than a flea circus? Is there any need to go to Italy when you’ve seen the ‘Venice of France’? Can anybody read French road signs? Which designer has the gravitational clout to pull Nazy past the (sales) event horizon?

How can you hide the mayonnaise jar full of spare change from the tax authorities? Who is smarter (and more erudite)? Dan or his Nokia 920 “smart” phone? Does Nazy own a pair of walking shoes? Can Nazy, fresh from her success in finding the hidden closet, find an extra bedroom in Dan’s flat? And why do government regulations close the door after the horse has escaped?

Was Nazy impressed by Dan’s apartment cleaning efforts. (Will common sense prevail in Congress?) Is it possible to misplace an entire closet? And is that worse than losing a vacuum cleaner? Where can you find a cinderblock-sized fuse after all the shops have closed?

Why doesn’t CERN put collision detectors on the street in by Dan’s Geneva apartment? Would you have your shirts laundered by a service that pokes holes in the tails? (How much would you pay to avoid said defacement?) Where do the French Swiss hide the “y” on a PC kezboard? Can Dan escape the black hole of broccoli while Nazy visits?

Dan meets Whit Monday with witless weary wonderment. Who authorized snow in Geneva - in May? Will Dan’s multilingual skills save him at a Persian Restaurant? And what did Dan’s psychologist - Dr. Google - recommend?

When it comes to eyeglasses: Is the postal service option (mail and wait) more economical than the “I want it now” alternative? Are you right-brained or left-brained? How far would you go to equalize the sides? Is an ant colony Simpsonly is an earthly example of The Borg? (And was that a spelling error in the previous sentence?)

What are the differences between Geneva and Zürich bus drivers? Do the employees of the Pussy Cat Nightclub get coiffeured at the “White and Black Toilettage for Chiens & Chats?” Will Dan’s finally honed recycling expertise be needed in Geneva? How could Dan threaten shipping in the Pacific Ocean? And finally, what, if anything, is he doing in Geneva?

He’s baaackk! Will Dan’s return to Switzerland go smoothly? (Hint: The trip involves an airport and airlines.) Is his Geneva apartment really located next to the Pussycat Nightclub? Will his state-of-the-art AT&T mobile phone from the USA work in Europe? And who would recommend getting a good breakfast at the airport?

Can Dan teach Math to a drug store manager? Can the drug store manager explain the difference between a ‘buy 1, get 1 free’ and a ‘two for one’ sale? More importantly, what should be done if there is only one (1) item? Will the crows capture the New Year goldfish? Is an ugly address label with a ZIP-code better than a beautiful (fancy-dancy)address label that is sans-ZIP?

Can tarantulas tango? (They’ll have a lot of legs to keep untangled.) Can Dan find an unforgettable restaurant for Nazy’s birthday celebration? How can a cat threaten 3000 years of Persian New Year tradition? (Will the change generate a luckless 2013?) Who would find a job in Switzerland just after moving to California?

Did Dan try to parallel park during his ‘on-the-road’ driver’s license test? Why is Darius going to Cyprus? Would Dan and Nazy have moved to California if they knew that the 2013 equinox would arrive at 4:02AM? And, do you want to find out which came first: chicken or egg?

What is the connection between Tarragon and Gone With the Wind? Can the Internet solve Nazy’s herbs and spices shortages? (Hint: It didn’t work for the lightbulb conundrum.) Should Dan swim in the medium or slow lane? And how would you react if your on-the-road Driver License examiner was named Genghis?

Can Nazy find an appropriate place in Waldhuis, the new Martin Family residence, to put the oversized bronze swans? (Does a chicken have lips?) Will Darius generate statistics consistent with those of the Commerce Department - by himself in three weeks. (It took the government 30 years and consumed the time of a brigade of economists.) How did Melika celebrate a colorful birthday?

Is it reasonable to expect that all the shelves of a built-in bookcase will be the same length? What forms should be filled for the background check necessary to purchase a bayonet-mount, eh, light bulb? Is it necessary, in order to be environmentally friendly in California, to be able to read from the light of a carrot? What’s the backup plan if American lightbulbs don’t fit your European fixture?

If Heidi can build Swiss closets with an Allen wrench, why does Dan need Dr. Who’s sonic screwdriver? (And help from the Ewoks?) Where is there a Tar Pit Museum? Who won the Super Ball on Venice Boulevard? Will Dan and Nazy be ready for a monster weather event in Santa Barbara?

Would you be comfortable with a 6:15AM taxi to catch a 7:10AM international flight - in Lebanon? Who could make that work? Have you ever fallen in love with a dining room table? (Or fallen ‘in hate’?) Is there a boat big enough to carry Nazy’s clothes to America?

What did Napoleon want to do with the Pyramids? Can an Egyptian artisan reproduce the ‘real, pure’ essence of Nazy’s Hermes perfume with locally marinated herbs? Is the Cairo Bazaar Grand? And, would you rather go on a boat trip down the Nile or bargain with the locals in a nearby (upscale) mall?

When Darius said ‘gas is expensive’ did he really mean that petrol costs $21 a liter in Lebanon? How did the Pharaohs reverse the standard flow of time from past to present? (Why would they do it?) Would you rather have a 5000 year old Egyptian obelisk or a 200 year old French clock?

The city was 9000 years old - Phoenician, Assyrian, Persian, Roman, Crusader, Byzantine and more - so should you conclude that the best time to visit was 2000 years ago? Would you go there in the rain? How many different kinds of honey are available in the Souq in Sidon? Where are ancient ruins in better shape than modern ruins?

Does anyone wear a hijab on Hamra Street in Beirut? Who would shoot a film that is set in Los Angeles on the streets of Teheran? (And why?) Is civilization possible in a country without Coke Zero? If you heard a loud boom in Beirut would you think ‘thunder’ or ...

Does Dan have time to solve the Riemann hypothesis and find the Higgs boson? Are fiddlehead ferns in the soggy moor an aphrodisiac for the local frogs? Is it possible that Nazy’s pants are more colorful than Dans? Have you bought Amazon best seller: Stumbling Through the Tulips?

Will Dan’s book (Stumbling Through the Tulips) make the best seller list? Why is the Sahara the secret to spectacular sunsets? Is it possible for their to be a factual error on the Internet? How does narrative integrity impact newsworthy objectivity?

In the trousers category: are polka dots more powerful than clam diggers? Is “it’s a little better” a ringing endorsement for Dan’s new website? Is there a military laser strong enough to correct 20-50,000 vision?

Will Dan’s cleverly diversified retirement plan provide perennial prosperity? How does the US government make it impossible for citizens to work abroad? Do you admire swooning swans reflected on a languid lake?

Darius and Melika arrived in Zurich on the same day. Was it a miracle? Was it a cheap parlor trick? Are you ready to see the sights of Moutier, Switzerland? What does Dan have in common with Ibsen¹s The Master Builder? 

A report on the comings and goings of The Martin Family through the years in the (much anticipated) annual holiday letter. The Family photo from the previous Christmas is included. A special photo exhibition is also available (see end of posting),