The Martin Family 1983

Since it is now December, we’re looking forward to Christmas. Except for Darius, the family is nearby. Darius’ trip is always challengling, but this year he bought his tickets early. And, in a move that left me stunned, he chose a simple routing - Beirut-Istanbul-Los Angeles. It is perfect.

“It was perfect - when I made the reservation.” Darius said. “But I had bet that my final exam would not take place on the last day of exam week.”

“I bet you lost that bet.” I replied.

“Right. But on the first of class, I asked my students if they’d be willing to take the final early. They all agreed - because that would give them an extra two weeks of vacation.”

“Great.”

“Then during yesterday’s class, near the end of the semester, one person complained that he wouldn’t have time to study for the exam if we had it early. Chaos ensued. Half the class wanted an early exam, some wanted to compromise and some wanted to eviscerate the student who complained. In the end, I had to demonstrate my classroom dominance and put an end to it.”

“Really? What did you do?”

“I stood on my desk and yelled. Without 100% agreement, I could not reschedule the exam.”

“But now the exam will take place after your flight to California?” I asked.

“Sure. But, I’ll call Expedia and make a simple change.”

“Simple change?.” I said. “Fat chance!” I thought.

Update: The change was simple. The price, however, was astronomical. ($7000!). Darius is looking for a proctor.

The Martin Family 1999

We have similar scheduling challenges here. We have hosted several dinner parties in the past few weeks. During that time we’ve both become very busy. I have a consulting job and we are both spending a lot of time with the grand(est)son. As a result, it is very important to maintain an accurate agenda. When one guest arrived early at a recent party, I took it on myself to remind future invitees of the ‘start time’. (We are never ready early.) The response to my last reminder:

“Nazy,” I said checking eMail. “Everyone agrees that the party starts at 7:00 PM, but they all say that we invited them to come on the 13th not on the 5th.”

Nazy, who had spent the previous days buying ingredients and de-waxing the chandelier, was nonplussed.

Reader interrupt: “De-waxing the chandelier?”

Explanation: I forgot to turn off the ceiling mounted forced air vent at a previous party. As a result, two chandelier candles received more than normal amounts of air. The resulting fast burn removed the ‘less’ from the dripless candles. Candle wax accumulated on the chandelier crystal.

“And?” Nazy interrupts. “What else happened because you forgot to the close the vent?”

“Yes, eh, it turns out that the wax also dripped onto the dinning room table.”

“Table, Dan?”

“…eh, onto the expensive table cloth. It also dripped into Gerry’s wine glass (which may explain why he didn’t want a refill) and onto the salt shaker - closing the discharge holes.”

“In short, Dan. You created a mess,” Nazy concluded triumphantly.

It wasn’t the only time we have had party challenges.

The Martin Family 20xx

Flashback
Prinsevinkenpark, The Hague

Nazy had started the washing machine. (The laundry room was in an alcove off of the kitchen.)

As the door bell rang to announce the arrival of our first guest, Melika, who had been trying to sneak an early appetizer, noticed that a tsunami of water was advancing into the kitchen. She alerted the family in the traditional way.

“Yeeck! Dad! Water!!”

Technical note: The front-loading washing machine, unlike it’s American counterpart, did not rely on a hot water input valve, it heated its own water. A thermostat ‘told’ the washing machine when to stop heating. But…

“The thermostat failed!” I shouted as Nazy graciously greeted our guests. Water had boiled away and then the heater melted the loading door. When that happened, outside air entered the washer, the temperature dropped and water flooded into (and through) the washer to the floor.

While I mopped up the mess and assigned Mitra and Darius to scoop up charred underwear (we almost had a fire), Nazy served Hors D’oeuvres.

End Flashback

Luckily everyone was able to adjust their schedule and come to this party on the 5th rather than on the 13th. But, when the guests arrived. Nazy gave me the simple job of pouring the Prosecco. I extracted the bottle from the back (the far back) of the extremely crowded refrigerator. In order to reach the well-hidden bottle (that Nazy had somehow wedged in place) I had to readjust milk cartons, flax-seed envelopes, juice bottles, jelly jars, Ice-tea pitchers and a partridge in a pear tree. Somehow, an ice-tea pitcher was left in a precarious and ultimately unstable position. it crashed to the floor and shattered. Naturally, I was ready for the challenge.

“Why did you put a full pitcher of Ice-tea in the refrigerator?” I asked as I scrambled for a mop and paper towels.

“Why did you drop it on the ground?” Nazy retorted.

“I did not drop it,” I replied. “I was not holding on to it at the time. The refrigerator dropped it.”

“Are you listening to yourself?”

“No, I’m mopping up ice-tea with my socks.”

“Can I help?” A guest interjected.

“No, no, no.” Nazy replied cheerfully.”Dan can handle it himself.” “You did it, Dan, you clean it up.” Nazy thought as she looked at me.

“Is the washing machine running?” I replied.

We had a very nice party and we’re looking forward to having a great family get together in a few weeks.

Note to self: Make sure Nazy buy sugar cookie ingredients.

Last week’s letter, click here.

The Martin Family 2014