Holiday
West Side Ceiling Mirrors Rainy Sunset Story
19-04-19 10:03
Was there a downside to choosing a rare London Black Cab for the trip from Sydney airport to Kent Street. (Hint: Dan, not Nazy, chose the taxi.) Did the taxi driver know about the normal weekend construction on Kent Street? Did the taxi meter spin faster than an accretion disk around a supermassive black hole? How often did Dan hear “I told you so” on the journey? Where were the widely scattered showers during the outdoor production of West Side Story? How did Dan score a super luxury, premium room on the 52 floor of the Meriton Hotel? And where exactly was the mirror? Read More...
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earthquake resistant hotel punts Mt. Cook on River Avon
16-04-19 14:20
What should you do when you’ve flown 10,000 kilometers to see Mt. Cook — only to have your trip cancelled 62 minutes before departure? Where can you stay in ‘the Old Government Building” (OGB) in a ‘room’ with 22 foot ceilings, two stories, a kitchen, a dinning room, a bathroom installed in the ‘walk-in safe’ and with a view of the Central City Square? And, eh, isn’t it good that the OGB was retrofitted to be earthquake proof. (Or at least earthquake resistant?) Where is Akaroa and why do we care? Why was Dan confused about the turn signal stalk and the windshield wiper control? Who was the best punter? Hint: It was on the River Avon. Read More...
Uluru and Kata Tjuta tower over spotless sunny didgeridoo
07-04-19 18:15
What “musical” instrument sounds, when played well, like an extremely thick rubber band being banged against stack of basalt rocks? When played badly, it sounds like cheap chalk, scrapped over a blackboard by a sadistic professor trapped in the 19th century. Where does it make sense to go halfway around the world to see a rock? (Actually, a monolith — or two.) Can it possibly be true that the Milky Way has more stars than Ayers Rock has blowflies? Hint: No. What do you see when you look at the sun through a properly filtered, but large telescope? Hint: Telescopic views may be more impressive at night, when the sun is down.
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Sugar, Sugar Rainforest tours with crocodile and cassowary
04-04-19 11:49
Who trapped the tour-guide in a time-loop? (We know that ‘I Want to Hold Your Hand’ makes you feel happy inside, but wasn’t that popular when we were in Junior High?) What about Classical Gas? Or Sugar, Sugar? What decade, eh, century, eh, epoch did this guy inhabit? Why would you talk incessantly about seeing something like a giant crocodile or a huge bird that ‘looks like a dinosaur’, if there is very little chance of actually seeing one? Does it matter that the most dangerous fauna is about the size of a coffee cup? Where is there a beautiful, pristine (and ‘don’t put your toe into it) beach? Read More...
sea turtles, lorikeets and bats snorkel under hot air balloon
02-04-19 18:44
Why does a ‘sunrise’ tour have to begin so far ahead of the actual sunrise? And why can’t we delay sunrise so that Nazy can sleep longer? What’s a box jellyfish? Hint: Think lethal. What’s a stinger suit? Hint: Think jellyfish repelling. How healthy is the Great Barrier Reef? How noisy is a roosting rainbow lorikeet? How about 100,000 of them? What encloses 450,000 cubic feet of hot air even though it is not located in Washington DC? What does sunrise over Queensland look like from 1000 feet in the air? Who said “Don’t pull on my ropes?” Read More...
Artistic Dutch Opals Salt Rainforest Lizards and Birds
24-03-19 17:26
Where do the Rainbow Lorikeets roost? And why can’t they do their roosting quietly? Who booked early departures for every excursion from Cairns? Were Dan and Nazy able to avoid the lizards in the tropical rain forest? What was a Dutch immigrant doing in Kuranda? Who selected the most clueless waitress ever? E.g.: “How’s the Shiraz?” I asked. “Shiraz? That one’s red, right?” She replied.
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plum blossom and rainbow bullet train on ANA Kyoto tour
11-03-19 03:42
Is it fair for a (lovely) wife to ask a (colorblind) husband for help resetting the combination on a new set of luggage? And, in a somewhat related note, what would you do if you had a fully packed, brand new, very large piece of luggage that was permanently locked? Hint; Dan checked out rental jackhammers. What possessed LAX to switch to mood-setting, non-glare lighting in the Tom Bradley International Terminal? What possessed Dan and Nazy to travel almost 700 kilometers in a day trip? And how did the bullet train help? Why are the 1001 gates in a Kyoto Shrine all painted orange? Read More...
The Martin Family 2018
17-12-18 16:03
The Martin Family in 2018: an endless supply of material for The Weekly Letter? Plots, settings and characters for epic poems? (Why does Dan think he’s got Odysseus genes?) Does anyone remember VHS? (And why didn’t Betamax prevail?) Who wanted NASA to paint the moon pink (or blue) as part of a spectacular gender reveal party? Where is Trickle Creek Boulevard? Would you work in a lab to get answers? (Answers about tango?)
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Thimbles tumble into gurgling (high priced) watery chandeliers
08-12-18 07:41
How did Dan channel Howard Carter’s discovery of King Tut’s Tomb? (In the garage?) Did he find a golden thimble? How many thimble-fulls of water did resident gophers redirect to The Martin Family hillside? What, besides medical care, costs more in Santa Barbara than it did in Zurich? Should you expect a chandelier to be bilingual? Can Azelle gurgle more cutely than a leaky irrigation system? Read More...
fireworks and clowns, circus and congress, boxes and helicopters
10-07-18 08:49
Who turned off Santa Barbara’s natural and environmentally friendly air conditioner: the Pacific Ocean breeze? What is a ‘sundowner’? (Hint: It’s not cool.) Where did the circus find the loaner clowns? Who thinks that July 4th fireworks look like airplanes? Can The Martin Family use a helicopter to assist its move toward the ocean? What algorithm is used to put Dan on so many inappropriate postal mailing lists? (Hint: Dan is not interested in going to college.) How did Arrow and Tiger welcome Nazy’s return to Santa Barbara? Read More...
sun sets on rocky labyrinth as front loaded cookies crumble
01-01-18 13:51
Who dismantles the rocky labyrinth so skillfully constructed by Mitra and Tiger (with his dump truck, excavator and front loader)? Hint: Think sibling rivalry. What clue tipped Dan off about Tiger’s help in the kitchen? Will this year’s ‘rainy’ season actually coincide with any precipitation at all? What is magical about the number 20?
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trojan horse invades soggy greek creek with tasty rice
15-01-17 15:31
Can Dan cope with the new political reality — his orangeness? Is it possible for ‘stuff’ to displace an amount of ‘air’ sufficient to cause breathing problems in The Martin Family household? Is there any progress on the SRP (stuff removal project)? Who bought ‘THE” Trojan Horse — and left it Dan’s study? Can anyone to have so much checked baggage that it doesn’t fi inside Melika’s SUV? (Hint: Melika’s SUV has 18 wheels.) Why is this year’s rainy season so unusual? Read More...
Elvis, Yoda, test pilot and mime share sugar cookie photo op
02-01-17 08:48
Can holiday tradition (a double batch of sugar cookies) withstand challenge (a single batch)? Can sharing be taken a step too far? Will Melika’s costume closet, eh, room, eh, warehouse provide adequate inspiration for the annual Martin Family photo? Who gets to be Elvis? Will Tiger use The Force as Yoda or will force be needed to persuade Tiger to be Yoda? Can Nazy replicate a baby pose from the 70’s? Read More...
Amazon reigns on upside down graduation Christmas Tree light
18-12-16 14:32
Why didn’t the graduating Tiger wear a gown to go with his cap? Hint: He was also wearing a bathing suit at the time. Is it possible to string Christmas Tree lights the wrong way? Why is the obvious corrective move ‘illegal and dangerous’? (And why is explaining that to your wife equally dangerous?) Did Dan buy a Gulfstream 500 Jet on Amazon? Speaking of Amazon, what is two-step verification? Will Dan finish the annual Christmas Letter before Christmas. Read More...
Danceless Dan’s Diary Dangles Dandy Dusky Dutch Doodles
27-11-16 18:15
Can (11 year old) Melika do the impossible? (Hint: The ‘impossible’ is to find a dancer who is ‘worse than Dad’.) What kind parent dips a pacifier in honey? (And feeds a rotund newborn sugar water?) How did Nazy discover that there is no Dutch word for ‘refund’? What would you do when discovering that the ‘milk white bread’ you bought was ‘double baked’ and looked to be chocolate milk white? What other wonders were found in the Martin Family archives? Read More...
hilly formal dining motions to moon for new year portrait
20-03-16 17:09
How did Atlanta’s hills facilitate Dan’s courtship of Nazy? What does the Pacific Ocean have in common with the South African Karoo? And, how is formal dining involved? Why didn’t the grand(est)son’s airplane to Miami have a stopover on the moon? Would you hire a cruise-based portrait photographer who suffers from seasickness? Why did the vernal equinox/Persian new year necessitate an emergency trip to Saks?
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Jose Fettuccine tour guide overeats on Mexican porcelain
16-03-16 18:55
Where did they film ‘Night of the Iguana’? Can you see that setting without paying for a photo with a live iguana. (Hint: Does your tour guide have a brother with a pet iguana?] Will friends from Australia believe that the “only place to find opal” is Mexico? How does the “stick to the wall’ technique work for determining whether the pasta is ready? And how fast is a modern cruise ship? Read More...
white buckskin shoes polish multiple bistros on-board the Crown Princess
06-03-16 18:47
How would you feel if your Mother ‘polished’ your favorite white suede shoes with liquid shoe polish designed for ‘Baby’s first shoe’? Would the pain impact your wardrobe decades later? Would your wife understand? And on the subject of white shoes, does everyone on a ship need to wear white? Is it possible to trick a headstrong 20 month old boy into riding in a stroller? What is as heavy as the Empire State Building and as long as the Holland Tunnel? Read More...
Butterfly migration delays plumbing tasks while Vancouver haircut genes dominate
05-12-15 17:37
Where can a thundering herd of migrating Monarch Butterflies close the US101 Highway? Hint: We live in California. Can Dan think of a way to use that natural event to shirk off a plumbing job? How will ‘genes’ and Vancouver history be applied to a ‘hair is in my eyes’ challenge? And why did Monster the Cat hide the gardening shears? Finally, reader advice is solicited about the identity of a giant insect discovered and ejected from The Martin Family residence. Read More...
sledding Hamsters in ugly sweaters text the NSA
21-12-14 08:29
In the area of abrasiveness does sand trump snow? More to the point: would you try to sled down a sand dune? Should hamsters attend a Yankee Swap? Why is the NSA listening to Nazy’s shampoo? And how does Apple discourage iPhone replacement. (Hint: do not send a text message to Dan’s Lumina phone.) And, finally, where can you buy the ugliest Christmas sweater on the planet? Read More...
Rain slides Candle Inferno to rescheduled holiday trip
07-12-14 11:35
How can a open air vent ruin a table cloth, clog a salt shaker and fill a wine glass with wax? More to the point - who forgot to close the vent? [Nothing would have gone awry if electric lights rather than candles had been used.] Darius booked flights well in advance. Darius booked a simple, direct itinerary. Could anything go wrong? [This is, of course, a rhetorical question.] Why is it dangerous to leave a washing machine running during a dinner party? And, did California really ‘store’ the water from the only storm of the season in the ocean? Read More...