abracadabra weather baffles gladiolus brained navigator
“Did you mean 2140 Alexander Siesta, Santiago, Chile?” Madeline asked.
“Madeline has the IQ of a decapitated gladiolus stalk.” I explained. “You can’t pause when you’re talking to her.”
“One thing you should know, Dan dear,” Nazy paused. “Madeline gets upset when you scold her.”
“Did you mean 1 Thong Drive, Denver?” Madeline inquired.
“Did you pick up the clothes from the cleaners?” Nazy asked, giving up on Madeline.
“I would have, but it was partly cloudy.”
“Partly?”
“Cloudy. In short: weather.”
“I’m not following you.”
“I am putting what I’ve learned by dealing with airlines into practice. I have learned that ‘weather’ is a magic word.”
“Weather?” Nazy asked - unaware that she might as well have said ‘abracadabra’. Madeline instantly responded.
“Did you mean 2140 Alameda Padre Serra, Santa Barbara, California?” Madeline interjected.
“See?” I said.
“How did you..’
“If the airline says ‘weather’ caused the delay, the missed flight, the rude attendant, the poisoned food, the hostile seat mate - even the neuron-challenged navigation computer...”
“Your point?”
“‘Weather’ is magic. It absolves the airline of responsibility. They don’t even have to say ‘sorry’. In fact, ‘Weather’, not ‘Love’ means never having to say you’re sorry.”
“I don’t think this makes..”
“It gets better, Nazy. First: It’s perfectly legal. Second: There is no need to consider local atmospheric conditions; those are irrelevant.”
“Irrelevant? But weather...”
“ ... is a magic word. The airline doesn’t have to say ‘bad weather’, they can just say ‘weather’. That’s because even ‘sunny and clear’ is ‘weather’”
Although my deployment of the ‘W-word’ didn’t succeed with Nazy, I thought about times it had been tried during my professional life.
Amsterdam, The Netherlands 2005
The NonStop™ computer that we sold to ING had stopped. Support staff sent an explanation directly to ING’s CIO; he immediately demanded a meeting.
“Your team in California says that the problem was caused by Alpha particles created when cosmic rays encountered ionized oxygen in thunderclouds. Alpha particles, Dan! Will my operations staff become sterile?”
“Eh..”
“And what about Beta and Gamma rays? Can you guarantee that we’re safe from those?”
I escaped from the office and called California. I explained that they should never let the engineers talk directly with the customer. And, I noted: “I don’t even care if it’s true. Never blame a computer fault on weather.”
Memphis, Tennessee 1980
The Data General computer had intermittent failures and I was on the phone discussing the problem with Data General’s technical support manager.
“The issue is static electricity, Dan.” the manager explained.
“Static electricity? Caused by what?”
“This is weather-induced static electricity. Your environment in Memphis..”
“Weather?” I said. “Did you blame this failure on weather? Are you crazy?”
Memphis Tennessee 1978
I wanted an update on the status of my hardware order. I had called Data General in Framingham, Massachusetts several times, but no one answered the phone. Now, however, I was annoyed. I decided to wait on the line until somebody with a customer satisfaction gene answered. In fact, I let it ring 243 times. Someone answered. I was ready:
“You are being very unprofessional. You let the phone ring 243 times before..”
“Listen, buddy. We had a blizzard here. I’ve been trapped in the building for 4 days. I stay alive by breaking into candy machines. You can take ‘unprofessional’ and shove it up your..”
“Thank you. I’ll call back at a more convenient time.”
I conclude that weather rarely worked magic outside the airline industry. As a result, Nazy and I agreed that the ‘W-word’ would not be an acceptable excuse for family blunders. (But I couldn’t help wondering if the middle name of “George W. Bush” was ‘Weather.&rsquo
Note: Some people may be amazed that I was able to speak with a human being rather than a voice-recognition computer. By way of explanation: Data General is now out of business and the call took place in 1978. Also, giving United Airlines rare credit, I announce that I have communicated with an actual person. Regretfully, United’s assimilation and training removed all human DNA - creating a ‘customer care’ representative with the empathy of a bowling ball. (“And,” I explained to Nazy, “I’m the 1-pin.&rdquo
Madeline may not understand voice requests, but she did remind me that the ‘check engine’ light was flashing. (It was a bright and sunny day). As a result, I took the car to service. They offered me a loaner and I joined the processing queue. There was only one person in front of me. The processing clerk said: “All done! Let me show you to the car.”
“Before we go,” the loanee asked. “I’d like to buy a keychain.” (I groaned.)
The clerk opened the keychain display.The loanee agonized about his choice. He finally made a selection, but it turned out that selling the $10 keychain involved paperwork - a lot of paperwork. When everything was done, the loanee asked if for a “presentation box”. The clerk rummaged around and found one.
“Do you gift wrap?” the loanee asked. The clerk shook his head.
“You know, I think I like the other one better.” The loanee continued to babble. “Do you have a box for that? And does that polo shirt come in my wife’s size?” (The clerk, busy voiding the previous sale, ignored him.)
In time (a lot of time) the clerk usher
“Don’t worry,” I said. “Just say ‘hurricane’ and I’ll understand.”
