Blue Suede Situations hoist Chopstick Lifesavers
Flashback, Georgia Tech
As a new Ph.D., I was pursuing my dream - college professorship. I had been impressed with the university in Tampa, Florida, but on the drive to the airport, just before my host drove away. he asked:
“Are you aware of the situation here?”
Unfortunately, he drove off before offering additional elucidation. Back at Georgia Tech, I asked Dr. Cain for advice.
“Dan,” he said. “It’s never a good idea to take a job at a school that has a situation.”
I decided to teach elsewhere. I later learned that every place had some kind of situation. And my dream of college professordom disintegrated as Nazy and I discovered the economic impact associated with children
End Flashback
Heading to the bicep machine last week, I noticed that it was occupied by a 4’3” (1.3 meter) octogenarian woman.
“Octogenarian?” I thought. “I’ll call her Ms. Octo. But, maybe she’s really Precambrian.The good news is that it won’t take her long to finish.”
While I didn’t expect rapid movement, I did expect some movement. I was disappointed. Concerned that rigor mortis might have set in, I discretely looked to see if Ms. Octo was breathing. (She was. Barely.) Aware that I wasn’t going to access the bicep machine in the near future, I tripled down and moved to the tricep device. After I finished my reps, I checked back at the bicep machine.
“She has a ‘dumbbell’ on her lap,” I thought. “That is astonishing.”
Veracity note: I am using the term ‘dumbbell’ in a representative sense. This ‘dumbbell’, there was only one, appeared to be constructed from a chopstick and a couple of lifesaver candies.
Ms. Octo was using two hands to lift the ‘dumbbell’. She managed two reps. Later, I complained to Nazy about the situation.
“Well, if someone that old is working out, Dan.” Nazy replied, “then you shouldn’t criticize. I hope you’re exercising when you’re that age.”
“When I am that age, Nazy”, I replied, “an archeologist will be examining my fossilized remains.”
I am happy to report that Darius’ return to Beirut was smooth. More importantly...
“Christianne really liked the shoes I bought,” Darius explained.
“I’m not surprised, Dar, You are a shoe guy.”
“Me?”
“Sure. think about your blue dancing shoes. If they were blue suede, you could sing a song about them.”
“What song?”
“Don’t step on my blue suede shoes. It worked for Elvis.”
“Dad, I think you’re..”
“On the other hand, your track record of taking care of shoes is less than spectacular. Remember the sneakers you left in the trunk?”
“Not really.”
“I called them the Roentgen sneakers. They looked like X-Ray machines.”
“They were comfortable.”
“I know. No laces. When I was growing up, shoe stores had X-Ray machines so that Moms could see how kids feet fit in new shoes?”
“Wasn’t that pretty stupid?”
“Yes, but no one knew.”
“Well, Christianne says that I should polish my dress shoes every day.”
“Every day? Or should you polish them only on the days you wear them? If it just when you wear them - don’t wear them much.”
“She thinks I should wear them to teach.”
“That’s a challenge. I also got chalk all over my clothes and shoes when I was teaching.”
“We don’t ‘do’ chalk anymore, Dad. Someone invented PowerPoint.”
“Well that disproves the concept of human progress. Do you even know how to polish shoes?”
“Eh..”
“Do you know what shoe polish is?”
“Dad..”
“Do you have any shoe polish?”
“I do now. Christianne gave me a gift of shoe polish.”
“Charming. Wouldn’t it be easier to just pay someone to polish your shoes?”
“As long as I keep my shoes on my feet while they’re being polished. There are lots of refugees who would like new shoes.”
“I have two words for you, Darius: Super Glue. They can’t steal your shoes if they can’t get them off your feet.” “You could,” I thought, “consider moving to a more ‘normal’ city.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“By the way,” I said, thinking quickly. “Is there a situation at the American University of Beirut?”
“Dad! I live in Lebanon. There are ‘situations’ everywhere.”
And, finally, the grandestson continues to amaze and astound. This week, Melika and Tom are taking him on his first airplane trip.
“Does he have the left seat?” I asked.
“Left Seat?”
“That’s the one for the pilot in command. Surely you’ve taught him to fly in the last few weeks.”
