Chockablock 101 extracts election wisdom and iPhone 7
09-10-16 13:31 Family Humor
This week, I celebrated Nazy’s return from her quick trip to Washington where she helped Shahrzad’s birthday celebration. (Lots of celebrations!) Amazingly, almost as soon as Nazy returned, I had to drive to Los Angeles for a brief business meeting..
“It’s as if United Airlines handled my travel,” I explained, phoning Nazy. “I’m completely stopped. The 101 is chockablock.”
“Chockablock?”
“Immobile. At at standstill. I’ve been sitting here in Ventura, motionless, for 20 minutes.”
“Maybe there’s an accident, Dan.”
“You think so?” I replied. “Or an earthquake could have severed the freeway. Or a wildfire diverted traffic. Or a tsunami washed out the Pacific Coast Highway. Or a helicopter dumped a rotting pile of Donald Trump’s self-aggrandizing (self-defeating) videos into the countryside.” I thought.
“It will start moving,” Nazy replied from the safety and comfort of Santa Barbara.
Nazy was, of course, right. Eventually traffic reached the astronomical speed of 4 mph. Several miles (and hours) later, I passed an 18 wheeler (on its side) blocking 3 lanes. I was, of course, very late when I began dodging construction in downtown Los Angeles as I looked for the meeting place. My navigation computer was useless but not too befuddled to remind me that I was running out of petrol. When I finally found a parking garage, my car told me that I had a remaining driving range of…
“7 Miles?!” I thought, hoping that I’d be able to find a nearby gas station when I headed home. The drive, projected to take 1 hour and 55 minutes by Google Maps, ended up taking 4 hours and 23 minutes. Thankfully, the drive back, during rush hour, was smoother. (1 hour and 47 minutes.)
I complain, but compared to the other major event of the week — wisdom tooth extraction — it was a pleasurable drive. Young Tiger helped Nazy with my recovery from dental surgery. He delivered the post-anesthesia milk shake.
When I took him to the park later in the week, he combined caring kindness and haughty accuracy.
“See, Tiger,” I said pointing. “Look at those black birds.”
“I call them crows, Dan.” He replied.
“Hmmph.” I responded. “Smarty pants,” I thought.
“Now hold on to my hand, Dan.” Tiger continued. “We will go on the slide. You should be careful. Don’t bash your head. I will take care of you.”
“Thanks.” I replied astonished. [The slide is part of a large complex designed for children. I often hit my head on the structure as I follow Tiger through the maze.)
Tiger, meanwhile, has moved into his BIG BOY bed and room (and shoes) where he’s enjoying his car collection and his new wallpaper which, as you see, has an appropriate motif.
Nazy and I are also having fun with young Arrow Daniel Adams, the newest grand(est)son. He’s able to hold his head up (sort of). He gurgles and smiles. He eats. (Well, he ‘drinks’.) And, unlike his brother, he stays where you put him.
Alas, the dental visit was pleasant compared to another event of the week. While I was nursing a swollen jaw, my accountant finalized my delayed 2015 tax return — which featured a swollen amount due.
And I haven’t even mentioned the ‘joy’ of time spent listening to election advertisements which make a trip to the dentist seem enjoyable.
Because there is no chance that the Republican ‘Presidential’ applicant will win California, our campaign is locally focused. I started with a simple rule..
“I won’t vote for people who denigrate their opponent instead of representing themselves.” I began.
“That eliminates all candidates,” Nazy observed accurately.
One of our local choices for Congress wants ‘new thinking’..
“Why won’t my career politician opponent support bold new choices for rapidly dealing with our drought? We need to build bigger reservoirs.”
“Bigger reservoirs?” I thought. “It hasn’t rained in 5 years. Our current reservoirs are at 5% capacity. Building a new reservoir to capture, eh, ‘dew’, is not a rapid fix.”
Aside: I’m not sure that ‘drought’ is the right descriptor for the current situation. A drought is many years in a row of abnormally low rainfall. What we have is many years in a row of normally low rainfall. We need to figure out how to cope with reality. That, however, is not a strong suit for candidates.
Nazy and I both got new phones this week. ATT had a great deal and Nazy’s phone had not completely recovered from the dunking it received a few weeks ago. In fact..
“The deal requires that we trade in our old iPhones,” I explained.
“Great. My phone isn’t working.” Nazy replied.
“Our old but functional iPhones, my dear.”
“I hope we can keep mine alive until the new one arrives.”
Nazy’s phone, on life support, randomly turns off, take photos of the home screen, clicks, grunts, wheezes and whistles. The buttons didn’t work, it can’t be turned off. I wiped all content and dropped it off at ATT.
“Luckily, Nazy, the iPhone 7 is water resistant and, as far as I know, the battery doesn’t explode.”
“It’s as if United Airlines handled my travel,” I explained, phoning Nazy. “I’m completely stopped. The 101 is chockablock.”
“Chockablock?”
“Immobile. At at standstill. I’ve been sitting here in Ventura, motionless, for 20 minutes.”
“Maybe there’s an accident, Dan.”
“You think so?” I replied. “Or an earthquake could have severed the freeway. Or a wildfire diverted traffic. Or a tsunami washed out the Pacific Coast Highway. Or a helicopter dumped a rotting pile of Donald Trump’s self-aggrandizing (self-defeating) videos into the countryside.” I thought.
“It will start moving,” Nazy replied from the safety and comfort of Santa Barbara.
Nazy was, of course, right. Eventually traffic reached the astronomical speed of 4 mph. Several miles (and hours) later, I passed an 18 wheeler (on its side) blocking 3 lanes. I was, of course, very late when I began dodging construction in downtown Los Angeles as I looked for the meeting place. My navigation computer was useless but not too befuddled to remind me that I was running out of petrol. When I finally found a parking garage, my car told me that I had a remaining driving range of…
“7 Miles?!” I thought, hoping that I’d be able to find a nearby gas station when I headed home. The drive, projected to take 1 hour and 55 minutes by Google Maps, ended up taking 4 hours and 23 minutes. Thankfully, the drive back, during rush hour, was smoother. (1 hour and 47 minutes.)
I complain, but compared to the other major event of the week — wisdom tooth extraction — it was a pleasurable drive. Young Tiger helped Nazy with my recovery from dental surgery. He delivered the post-anesthesia milk shake.
When I took him to the park later in the week, he combined caring kindness and haughty accuracy.
“See, Tiger,” I said pointing. “Look at those black birds.”
“I call them crows, Dan.” He replied.
“Hmmph.” I responded. “Smarty pants,” I thought.
“Now hold on to my hand, Dan.” Tiger continued. “We will go on the slide. You should be careful. Don’t bash your head. I will take care of you.”
“Thanks.” I replied astonished. [The slide is part of a large complex designed for children. I often hit my head on the structure as I follow Tiger through the maze.)
Tiger, meanwhile, has moved into his BIG BOY bed and room (and shoes) where he’s enjoying his car collection and his new wallpaper which, as you see, has an appropriate motif.
Nazy and I are also having fun with young Arrow Daniel Adams, the newest grand(est)son. He’s able to hold his head up (sort of). He gurgles and smiles. He eats. (Well, he ‘drinks’.) And, unlike his brother, he stays where you put him.
Alas, the dental visit was pleasant compared to another event of the week. While I was nursing a swollen jaw, my accountant finalized my delayed 2015 tax return — which featured a swollen amount due.
And I haven’t even mentioned the ‘joy’ of time spent listening to election advertisements which make a trip to the dentist seem enjoyable.
Because there is no chance that the Republican ‘Presidential’ applicant will win California, our campaign is locally focused. I started with a simple rule..
“I won’t vote for people who denigrate their opponent instead of representing themselves.” I began.
“That eliminates all candidates,” Nazy observed accurately.
One of our local choices for Congress wants ‘new thinking’..
“Why won’t my career politician opponent support bold new choices for rapidly dealing with our drought? We need to build bigger reservoirs.”
“Bigger reservoirs?” I thought. “It hasn’t rained in 5 years. Our current reservoirs are at 5% capacity. Building a new reservoir to capture, eh, ‘dew’, is not a rapid fix.”
Aside: I’m not sure that ‘drought’ is the right descriptor for the current situation. A drought is many years in a row of abnormally low rainfall. What we have is many years in a row of normally low rainfall. We need to figure out how to cope with reality. That, however, is not a strong suit for candidates.
Nazy and I both got new phones this week. ATT had a great deal and Nazy’s phone had not completely recovered from the dunking it received a few weeks ago. In fact..
“The deal requires that we trade in our old iPhones,” I explained.
“Great. My phone isn’t working.” Nazy replied.
“Our old but functional iPhones, my dear.”
“I hope we can keep mine alive until the new one arrives.”
Nazy’s phone, on life support, randomly turns off, take photos of the home screen, clicks, grunts, wheezes and whistles. The buttons didn’t work, it can’t be turned off. I wiped all content and dropped it off at ATT.
“Luckily, Nazy, the iPhone 7 is water resistant and, as far as I know, the battery doesn’t explode.”
For last week's letter, click olly lures sliding carousel socks in sleepless birthday ritual">here
Dan, Nazy, Arrow
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