Wells Fargo Studebaker delivers Contact Lens Flowers
“The Santa Barbara Newcomers Club makes flower arrangements to mount on every one of the carriages in the parade.” Nazy explained. “And we have volunteered to help.”
“When you say ‘we’, who, exactly, do you mean?” I asked.
“You, me and Darius.” Nazy replied.
Each carriage needed at least two flower arrangements; some needed as many as six or eight. As coordinator for the club’s participation, Nazy worked with several teams of three or four people each. Reminding me of my time at PE in High School, I was not chosen for any team. Darius, who would have been chosen. hid during the selections. We decided to tour the museum. Darius was thrilled by the...
“... Studebaker carriage, Dad. Look at this!”
Flashback
It was my first car, a 1954 Studebaker station wagon purchased for $100 the summer before I started college.I had to install a new clutch in the racing green car before I could actually use the vehicle. Because of the bargain price, I also overlooked a structural defect: a hole in the floor.
Later, as I was driving home on the New Jersey Turnpike, the car rumbled over a pothole The ignition key bounced out of the ignition and fell through the hole in the floor. (Unlike modern GM cars, the Studebaker’s ignition switch was not defective: the engine did not stop and the steering did not lock.) It was possible to turn the car on and off without the key, but it wasn’t possible to turn the ignition switch to ‘start’ without the key. I solved that problem by parking at the top of a hill; I could coast down and ‘pop the clutch’ to start the engine. I also had backup plans: sisters who would push the car to get it started and a pair of asbestos gloves which I combined with a pair of wire cutters. Wearing the glove, I would short the terminals on the starter engine. There was impressive display of sparks and then the car started.
At the end of the summer, the engine exploded while I was on the Garden State Parkway. Speed: 80 mph (Indicated); 49.5 (true). By exploded, I mean a piece of the engine was propelled through the engine and into the hood (which it dented). Other pieces dropped out leaving a trail of metal for about half a mile. I had to pay $25 to tow the car off the parkway and another $25 to get a junkyard to haul it away from there.
End Flashback
This carriage, Dar, is in better shape than the Studebaker I had when I was in high school.
“That’s because this carriage is not as old as the car you had in high school, Dad.”
My car looked just like the photo - except it wasn’t red. And it didn’t have whitewall tires. And, the hood ornament, eh, wasn’t there. And the chrome didn’t gleam. But mine had a set of racing stripes. (Carefully applied plastic-coated red adhesive tape.)
The museum had an 1800’s era-fire engine, the police paddy wagon and the Wells Fargo Wagon (made famous in the song from the Music Man.)
In addition to the horses and carriages, the Fiesta features cascarones, egg shells filled with confetti. You sprinkle confetti on people’s heads.
“Dad!” Darius interrupts. “You smashed the cascarone on my head. You did not sprinkle.”
There are also lots of concession stands. Nazy bought a cowboy hat for young Jamshid. You can tell fromthe photo that she was more excited about the hat than he was.
As regular readers know, Darius has been visiting for the last few weeks. And in keeping with tradition, he arrived with an inadequate supply of contact lenses.
“Tradition?” Darius interrupts. “Tradition!?”
“Can you name one time that you’ve visited us when you also brought your contact lenses?”
“”That’s irrelevant, Dad. I can’t buy the contact lenses in America because the optometrists have a monopoly. They insist that you get an eye examination. It’s the only country in the entire world that does things so stupidly. I bought contact lenses in Mozambique, in Ethiopia, in Sri Lanka, in Cambodia, in..”
“Like I said, Dar: Tradition.”
“Here they’ll charge me $120 for a useless examination. In Lebanon, if I need an examination, they simply sit me in front of a machine. It costs $8.”
“Maybe you can have Christine send your prescription..”
“She’ll think I’m visiting a backwater country. She’ll think I forgot..”
“Forgot? You?”
“I didn’t forget. It was on my list of things to pack.”
“So, it was a simple follow through error? Now that you’re here, just
explain the situation to the lens clerk: during your flight from ISIS fundamentalists security seized your contact lens.”
“Dad..”
“Or you could say that it bounced out of your back pack while you were escaping on donkey back through the Backaa Valley.”
“Donkey Back?”
“Mule?”
“Humvee, Dad.”
“Whatever.”
We first tried the vision center in Goleta. Darius was making progress until the clerk realized that she didn’t have the requisite lens in stock. We drove on to Costco.
“Remember, Dar,” I coached. “Charm. Ooze charm. Do not say that the USA is backward. Do not insult the sales clerk.”
“Of course, Dad.” Darius replied. “But it won’t work.” Darius thought.
The Costco clerk listened to Darius’ tale of woe and then gave him a contact lens. For free!
“Free, Dar!” I exclaimed. “Nobody gives you anything for free in Lebanon.”
“Yeah, but I felt so bad about prejudging him that I scheduled an eye examination.”
For Fiesta Photos click here
Dan and Dar with Confetti