Hats off as equinox eclipse talks dumb, butts hatted heads
20-09-15 08:24 Family Humor,Nazy
It’s hard to believe, but autumn - marked by the equinox - is right around the corner. (It will occur on September 23 at 1:21AM, Pacific Time.) This will be followed on my birthday, September 27, by a total eclipse of the moon. Naturally I was intrigued:
“It was nice of you to arrange this celestial event to help me celebrate my birthday, Nazy.” I remarked.
“You are very special.” Nazy replied.
“However, my dear, I’ve heard that this eclipse is a harbinger of planetary demise. It is the marker for the final apocalypse. It will be the end of life as we know it.”
“I saw it on the Internet.”
“Then it must be true.”
“Yep! The Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, Texas has analyzed hidden prophesies. They conclude that we are facing the end of time.”
“I’m not worried.”
“The church also said it is a sign that God is turning his back on the USA.”
“Why would God do that?”
“Because of a treaty with Iran about nuclear weapons.”
“What?”
“This church believes that God wants us to bomb Iran. They think that God is stupid.”
Meanwhile, here in Santa Barbara, we received a record amount of rain last Wednesday. In fact, the 0.06 inches doubled the previous high for this date. There were actual spheroids of water falling from the sky as I drove to my morning exercise. The radio DJ was breathlessly reviewing techniques for driving on wet pavement.
“That skill is so deeply a part of my muscle memory that I’ll never have to worry,” I, a former resident of Zurich, Vancouver and The Netherlands, thought. But, I wasn’t out of the woods. Expecting the windshield wipers to engage, I jabbed a stalk sticking out of the steering column. The right turn signal started blinking. I had forgotten how to turn on the wipers.
“This reminds me of South Africa,” I thought. “Every time I tried to engage a turn signal, the wipers started. But that was because the steering wheel was on the wrong side.”
Although there was only 6/100ths of an inch of rain in Santa Barbara, there was substantial rain in Los Angeles. The city was prepared. The Los Angeles River is channeled into massive concrete conduits to convey the runoff directly to the Pacific Ocean.
“But, Dan,” Nazy interrupts. “There is a drought. Water is very valuable.”
“That’s why here in Southern California we store the runoff in the nearby, conveniently located, ocean.”
“But the ocean is salty.”
“So we build expensive desalination plants to get rid of the salt.”
“But there was no salt in the rain. Wouldn’t it have been smarter to collect the rain in a ‘reservoir’ before it got to the ocean?”
“That would have meant using prime ocean view land for something other than expensive real estate.”
“So?”
“So, the only thing more valuable than water in Los Angeles is real estate.”
“Would it have been better if the concrete culverts that line the Los Angeles River were eliminated? Then the rainfall could soak through into the underground aquifer.”
“Which might lead to flooding of the valuable real estate.”
When not dodging the odd rain drop, we continue to marvel at the grand(est)son’s language acquisition skills. He has an eclectic, multi-lingual vocabulary. For reasons that I cannot explain, one of his first words was ‘Hat’.
Nazy and I are engaged in a contest regarding young Tiger’s speech acquisition skills. Nazy is teaching him Farsi while I concentrate on English. We’re doing that..
“… for obvious reasons, Dan. You were born in America, so your foreign language skills are non-existent.”
“That, my dear, is part of my charm.”
“It’s part of your naiveté, Dan.”
Because it is clear that the grand(est)son completely understands commentary in both languages, the contest measures the number of words he says in each. Nazy claims that she is winning based on arithmetic methodology that is…
“Far too simplistic,” I explained.
“I’m counting the words he says in each language. There are more in Farsi, so I win.”
“So it would seem — at first glance. But the English words that I have taught him are more complicated and multisyllabic.”
“We don’t need a second glance. You have..”
“… had astonishing success, Nazy! I taught him ‘bamboo’ and ‘upside down’ and ‘Donald Duck”.”
“Melika taught him Donald Duck.”
“You’re right,” I replied. “That’s why he calls Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse and Goofy —‘Donald Duck’”,I thought.
“And you, Dan, should be careful about the complicated words you teach him.”
I thought about the previous night. Tiger woke up and wouldn’t go back to sleep. He was playing and bouncing and babbling.
“Just go to sleep, dumb butt!” I muttered.
“Muttered?” Nazy asked.
“Well, maybe I said it a bit louder than a mutter,” I replied.
Tiger had no problem hearing what I’d said. In fact, he spent the next twenty minutes saying: ‘Dumb butt’. It was a good thing that I self-censored.
Nazy has made exciting plans for the equinox and my birthday. More on that next week.
“It was nice of you to arrange this celestial event to help me celebrate my birthday, Nazy.” I remarked.
“You are very special.” Nazy replied.
“However, my dear, I’ve heard that this eclipse is a harbinger of planetary demise. It is the marker for the final apocalypse. It will be the end of life as we know it.”
“I saw it on the Internet.”
“Then it must be true.”
“Yep! The Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, Texas has analyzed hidden prophesies. They conclude that we are facing the end of time.”
“I’m not worried.”
“The church also said it is a sign that God is turning his back on the USA.”
“Why would God do that?”
“Because of a treaty with Iran about nuclear weapons.”
“What?”
“This church believes that God wants us to bomb Iran. They think that God is stupid.”
Meanwhile, here in Santa Barbara, we received a record amount of rain last Wednesday. In fact, the 0.06 inches doubled the previous high for this date. There were actual spheroids of water falling from the sky as I drove to my morning exercise. The radio DJ was breathlessly reviewing techniques for driving on wet pavement.
“That skill is so deeply a part of my muscle memory that I’ll never have to worry,” I, a former resident of Zurich, Vancouver and The Netherlands, thought. But, I wasn’t out of the woods. Expecting the windshield wipers to engage, I jabbed a stalk sticking out of the steering column. The right turn signal started blinking. I had forgotten how to turn on the wipers.
“This reminds me of South Africa,” I thought. “Every time I tried to engage a turn signal, the wipers started. But that was because the steering wheel was on the wrong side.”
Although there was only 6/100ths of an inch of rain in Santa Barbara, there was substantial rain in Los Angeles. The city was prepared. The Los Angeles River is channeled into massive concrete conduits to convey the runoff directly to the Pacific Ocean.
“But, Dan,” Nazy interrupts. “There is a drought. Water is very valuable.”
“That’s why here in Southern California we store the runoff in the nearby, conveniently located, ocean.”
“But the ocean is salty.”
“So we build expensive desalination plants to get rid of the salt.”
“But there was no salt in the rain. Wouldn’t it have been smarter to collect the rain in a ‘reservoir’ before it got to the ocean?”
“That would have meant using prime ocean view land for something other than expensive real estate.”
“So?”
“So, the only thing more valuable than water in Los Angeles is real estate.”
“Would it have been better if the concrete culverts that line the Los Angeles River were eliminated? Then the rainfall could soak through into the underground aquifer.”
“Which might lead to flooding of the valuable real estate.”
When not dodging the odd rain drop, we continue to marvel at the grand(est)son’s language acquisition skills. He has an eclectic, multi-lingual vocabulary. For reasons that I cannot explain, one of his first words was ‘Hat’.
Nazy and I are engaged in a contest regarding young Tiger’s speech acquisition skills. Nazy is teaching him Farsi while I concentrate on English. We’re doing that..
“… for obvious reasons, Dan. You were born in America, so your foreign language skills are non-existent.”
“That, my dear, is part of my charm.”
“It’s part of your naiveté, Dan.”
Because it is clear that the grand(est)son completely understands commentary in both languages, the contest measures the number of words he says in each. Nazy claims that she is winning based on arithmetic methodology that is…
“Far too simplistic,” I explained.
“I’m counting the words he says in each language. There are more in Farsi, so I win.”
“So it would seem — at first glance. But the English words that I have taught him are more complicated and multisyllabic.”
“We don’t need a second glance. You have..”
“… had astonishing success, Nazy! I taught him ‘bamboo’ and ‘upside down’ and ‘Donald Duck”.”
“Melika taught him Donald Duck.”
“You’re right,” I replied. “That’s why he calls Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse and Goofy —‘Donald Duck’”,I thought.
“And you, Dan, should be careful about the complicated words you teach him.”
I thought about the previous night. Tiger woke up and wouldn’t go back to sleep. He was playing and bouncing and babbling.
“Just go to sleep, dumb butt!” I muttered.
“Muttered?” Nazy asked.
“Well, maybe I said it a bit louder than a mutter,” I replied.
Tiger had no problem hearing what I’d said. In fact, he spent the next twenty minutes saying: ‘Dumb butt’. It was a good thing that I self-censored.
Nazy has made exciting plans for the equinox and my birthday. More on that next week.
For last week's letter, click here
Another Hat
And one with Dan
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